Uncle Bob Comes to Visit
by mountain-skies
Summary: A Harry Potter Spoof with Ron, Harry and the Dark Lord. When a mysterious evil looking stranger, claiming to be Harry's Uncle Bob arrives at the castle gates, Ron takes his chance to be helpful.


**Uncle Bob Comes to Visit**

The staff at Hogwarts were all busy fighting over the last rolo so Ron Weasley had been left in charge of guarding the Castle entrance from You-Know-Who.

It was a slightly boring job an d Ron decided to amuse himself by making a delightful daisy chain and pretending to be a Fairy King. He was so busy challenging an earthworm to a terrifying duel, he did not notice the hooded figure approaching the gate.

"Excuse me," said the hooded figure. "Could you please open the gate?"

"Oh, I don't know about that," Ron considered. "I don't think I'm supposed to let anyone in."

"But Harry Potter is expecting me," the hooded figure hissed evilly, writhing his hands.

Ron considered a little longer. "Well ok - I wouldn't want to disappoint my good chum Harry."

Smiling kindly at the manically laughing cloak-wearing stranger, Ron opened the gates.

"What's your name?" Ron asked, keen to make polite chatter as the stranger walked in.

"Don't you know? Why, I am the _**all powerful**_, the _**all destructive**_, the _**almighty**_ Dark Lo- I, I mean.. I'm.. Bob."

"Bob?"

"Er… yes. Harry's uncle - Bob."

"How strange. Harry's never mentioned an Uncle Bob."

"Ah well.. There was a small misunderstanding in the family. I tried to Kil- ki-ka-ku-_compare_ him with a… dog."

Ron put his hands on his hips. "That wasn't very nice."

"No, no it wasn't. But I am sorry."

They walked in silence for a few more minutes.

"So.. Where can I find Harry?"

"Well," Ron rubbed his nose. "I don't think I'm meant to.. What do you want with Harry anyway?"

The cloaked figure let out a massively evil laugh. "Why, I'm going to KIL- uh.. Kiss him. Lots. AND GIVE HIM A GOOD… gift."

"That's mighty nice of you," Ron said, wishing he had an Uncle Bob. "He'll be in the common room."

Ron gave directions and unable to hold back his curiosity he asked, "what's the gift?"

"Why, the gift of DEATH… by.. Uh.. Chocolate."

"Death by chocolate? That sounds rather good," Ron said. "Maybe he'll give me a slice!"

"Oh, you can have a slice! If you want to DIE… a rich, chocolately death, of course."

They walked a little longer to the castle.

"We're here," Ron said. "Do you remember the directions?"

"Oh, yes. And everyone will thank you when Harry is DEA… dea-deeeeee-lighted!"

Ron scratched his ear and blushed as if to say "it was nothing" and watched happily as Bob stepped into the entrance hall. Bob paused on the staircase, and raised his arms.

"Finally, the time is near! Harry Potter will regret the day he stood in the way of _Lord Voldemort_! HAHAHAHA!!!"

"What was that?" Ron asked, peering back.

"Oh, nothing," Lord Voldemort said sweetly, hurrying up the stairs. Ron shrugged his shoulders and headed back outside, to do some more fantastic guarding of the school, and rather pleased at his helpfulness to Bob; "Mum would be so proud" he thought happily.

* * *

Harry was busy having toenails cut by his Adoring Fans and playing chess with Neville, when Lord Voldemort threw opened the doors and struck a Highly Dramatic Pose.

"HARRY POTTER!! It is I, the great Lo… Bob. Uncle Bob."

Harry scratched his chin. "I don't have an Uncle Bob."

"Ya do now, sonny boy."

Harry did not want to argue with this new found Uncle Bob, so he shrugged his shoulders. "Well, sure. Whatever."

"Excellent!" smiled Lord Voldemort. "Now… EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR SO I CAN KI… umm… errr… _**hug **_my dear nephew."

No one wanted to be the one to stand in the way of the touching reunion, and so they all obediently dropped to the floor.

Harry Potter sat still, his arms outstretched, eyes closed and mouth stretched in a big grin ready to embrace his new uncle.

Lord Voldemort walked over, picked up the chess board and whacked Harry over the head. Harry's head dropped to the side; he was dead instantly. Rubbing his hands together and smiling, Lord Voldemort picked his way through the students on the ground and left the common room.

"That," he said, as he walked out of the grounds, waving a jaunty goodbye to Ron Weasley, "that was too easy."


End file.
